GOOD GIRLS

Image Kin Lip via Unsplash

I realised pretty early on at school that I wasn’t one of the good girls, the preferred girls, the girls who were widely approved of.

Homework was routinely late. I slouched, I sighed, I rolled my eyes. I passed notes that got spotted by teachers and read aloud to the class. When the initial shock of shame abated I continued to announce my boredom at being stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be on miniature scrolls, torn from notebooks and passed across knees. My skirt was too short. I chatted too much. My lipstick raised a tut when I handed over the jewellery I shouldn’t have worn each morning. Reports declared that if only I tried, I could do better. I hung out with boys who I liked, because they liked the music I liked. I smoked in parks. I felt disapproval in the gaze of friend’s parents. I was told I could get ‘a reputation’. For what exactly, I wondered, as what? 

Because in truth, my rebellions were incredibly slight. I didn’t say half the things I wanted to. Instead the unsaid clung to me as thoughts, cluttering and clouding my mind. Despite my slight swagger I had drunk up good girl messaging from invisible cups, and it sloshed within me with every step.

I’d sipped up the idea that good girls do as they’re told, follow the rules. They're pretty but never showy. They prioritise other people’s feelings, good girls should never be selfish. They’re responsible. They don’t disappoint. Don’t forget, don’t get angry, don't let anyone down. Good girls avoid conflict, they keep the peace. They’re gentle, never brash. They understand that other people know more than them, and acquiesce. 

Even then I felt conflicted. I knew myself better than anyone else. I knew my heart and my intentions, and they were always good. But if I wasn’t a good enough girl in the ways I was told I should be, was I good enough at all? If we don’t tick all the boxes that define our worth in the eyes of others, what does it say about us?

Wollstoncraft wrote in 1792 ‘the mighty business of female life is to please’. And I’d say that women's burn out, overwhelm and self doubt indicates that the pleasing business is still booming. To please consistently is to be all things to all people, except ourselves. The result of good girl thinking is that it makes grown women feel bad. And now? I refuse to feel bad for simply being myself. Not being a good girl but choosing to know I’m good enough anyway. We’re all good enough anyway. Now that feels really good…just in an entirely different way.